(This was ... Thursday Night... I BTW was operating on no sleep... also BTW I know i have reached a high point of NOT caring for anything/ depression when the Vegan Offers me sex and is sweet about it and i decline a matter fact amazing romp in the sack ... in favor... of ... nothing)
OM: Hello stranger guess I was right if i don't I.m you , you arent going to i.m me
This just proves I was right when i told Gem this dude was testing me out
Me: Hello there .. I didn't know I was being tested OM.. why would i assume this was/is any different than any other time you stop wanting to talk/ hang out with me .. besides seeing you in chats constantly I just assume you either got done or bored with me *shrugs*
OM: I saw you never im/text me first
Me: Again Why would I go and do that when it just seems like I'm bothering you ? if you act like you don't want to hang out and you aren't exactly going out of your way to hang out with me I figured you just were trying to send a message... for as much as you talk about me not liking you the message YOU send with your short attitude and the lack of effort is: "don't bother me" .. I mean I like you a lot but you gotta realize you've pushed me aside for no reason like i something you take in and out of a closet enough that I'm good at taking the hint on top of that you and i hang out less often we did before and you have issues picking up calls (even though unlike Reynr I don't keep you ever on the phone for more than 20 minutes EVER) .. plus i see you NOT missing your internet escapades so I just though you got better things to "do" and I just don't bug you end
OM: um what? i just spent a week trying to make you feel better ( 2 days , correction)
Me: and I truly appreciate that VERY much , i really did cause I NEVER expected you even cared that much ... considering again: we hang out less and less frequently .. I even understand the "needing space but to me it just looks that you get bothered or short if you are Not the one plotting to hang out , so what? I'm not supposed to contact you? I give you that but even that is a problem.. I've stuck around this long cause i like you i don't give you shit and I figure I deserve even a little bit better than OM standard "I'm blocking everyone off" "i don't answer any calls past a certain time" or seeing you daily getting your jolies off when you have a real live human being that would gladly fuck you
OM: are you kidding me ? we've been doing stuff like movies and dinner and home and out and you don't ever contact me first anymore as evidence from last week
Is Like we are having to completely different convos
Me: I don't you are right.. because of how you act!... Look I'm not fighting you on this I'm just telling you how this looks to me and how i'm feeling I see you on average one or two days seems to me we used to do better than that, I don't care for gifts or money expense I don't care if we just stayed at home but you know that TWO weeks ago 20 minutes each Saturday and Monday is the first time you've been to my house since you came for my birthday (and please I understand my parking thing is hell , this is just illustrating the point of how you act) First i assumed you were busy... then I just thought : "fuck , you must not want me around" .. and I don't think you are evil, i think you are very nice and generous I just don't get what do you want from me or why do you act like this just when things are going well between us.. either you don't want me around or you are actively pushing for me to walk away
OM: well i apologize for not having the chance to see you since you have been better .. I have been in Boston since Monday
(Again what are we talking about?? why couldn't he say that from go??)
OF COURSE he had no response for that and I'm sure I'll hear from him whenever.. I'm so full and overwhelmed with shit that he frankly isn't registering.. my whole fucking face is peeling for god's sake and I wake up puffy eyed like I spend nights crying.. do you think i'm even capable of dealing with this properly now?? no .. But at LEAST i got this out of my chest ALL of it this made me feel very very good...
I went to bed at something crazy like 3:15 or something that night ( i made the mistake of poring over bills after THAT nifty little exchange)
That Friday I went to buy Unisom so I could get a real night worth of sleep since my ever considerate sister wanted to go gymming and nothing comes first than guilt tripping one about that ... I also got some drinking thingamabobs .. cause.... well I needed it... to drink alone preferably! Then I spent the weekend Honest to God Drinking and sleeping
That Friday I watched a God Doc ("Sicko") went to bed in a haze, ate pizza alone But made a decision to text my unilateral pink slip to OM.. for good, not cause I want to but cause I should: This decision brings me No pleasure, no peace and no happiness so whatever , whilst I love my friends, a "see you on the other side" pretty much, would suffice cause shit like what Pearl said: "Oh we'll laugh about it later" or " Oh You'll have other prospects in no time ( which I ALWAYS have) or "it's for the best" simply do me no favors, doesn't make me feel good, comforted, happy or anything and it in fact Belittles the fact that If it was so goddamned easy to find a partner in this shitty god forsaken sub standard vain asshole filled pond (Pardon my French) , well, then why would I be single for years and years on end? On purpose!, why haven't I had that connection in forever and why then can i easily go through guys like panties/outmaneuver them mentally and physically and not feel the need of keeping them around?? Not be interested in their comings and goings or their brains or what they have to say? or their future potential (cause seriously, I simply DO NOT see myself even extending any/ hardly any dudes the courtesy of "Imaginary shacking up with them happily ever after " LOL) . Don't get me wrong, I love sex for sex's sake and fuckery for it's own sake as well But let's not fool ourselves nor minimize the fact that I have not been intrigued/ interested nor hopeful or pondering about ANY of the many I've been with and that's simply cause none of them were worth a shit or two really... So this whole " Bah, you can discard this one" meme people are giving me is frankly ... you know what?? Keep it to yourself, you are not even giving me any sort of comfort with that mess, and that whole " well you deserve ..." Look people Life isn't fair, you get what you get and sometimes is a shitbomb that ticks for a couple months/ years whatever cause so what my friends love me, just cause they do or I try to keep my weight down or look cute for myself doesn't mean that Tomorrow I'm going to get Prince Charming who happens to be faithful and have a nice dick with the skill set I want and no previous children or a desire for one and he is so tall I can wear heels each and every day that ends in y or a money tree is going to grow in my potted plant or my family is going to want to do things for me and take MY wants and needs into consideration etc .. i don't feel entitled to any one type of guy I just figure that if you put forth your best effort and work hard you get something ... but *shrugs* sometimes you don't .. ok
Anyways I woke up hung overish ( Mostly , cause I don't drink often or more than a few beers ANYTHING else will give me delightful side effects like runs/ dry mouth and a headache from hell or some such) went to the gym, got some much needed groceries etc and then came home to ... watch horrible horror movies and drink again and shut my phone down after sending this text:
( Yeah Bitches a Long text..) but whatever, as I said This didn't make me feel better or relieved or happy or jumping with joy, all I can expect / hope is that he never really replies or seeks me out in any way form or shape cause:
1) it would only be an angry sort of thing
2) Cause I cannot handle that right now
3) Cause i'm weak and sad
Anyways after that I spent the rest of the day watching horror Movies ( I hope NO ONE chooses to watch Antichrist.. I'm still fucked in the head about it) and being home naked , Sunday I went and hung out with my family.. .and of course they all needed something done and of course it was by me; Also our friends from Venezuela came with just depressing news from the situation back home and letters from my dad his wife and my half sisters... essentially not great cause it was about how they all want us to go there , how they are dying to spend time with us and oh BTW my oldest sister sorta wants to come... but are we gonna leave out the youngest one who hasn't even physically met us?? ( of course now we gotta figure out how/ what/ when where and help out with money too)
Then I dropped my phone on the toilet while cleaning
Yes, how awesome!: I dipped the whole thing minus Battery. sim card and memory card in alcohol and dried it all night to where my phone actually works sounds good all the things work ... only the screen looks water logged... but i think is only alcohol.. I pay phone insurance each month but even with that My tally for a replacement is 130 bucks ... so yeah I'm nursing this sucker for-e-ver
Other than that my boss immediately sprung into action bringing up one of his newly single friends with kid I always chat up when he comes -_- the guy is a fucking Grateful dead fan... 41... whatevs.. my boss is threatening with giving him my number
And one of my peripheral (aka Friend of Pasty guys) also all the sudden has been trying to chat me up online OF COURSE pasty is behind this cause I've been talking to him the great part is that dude is my exact height without heels (how Marvelous.... NOT) but the actually good thing is that he is a total hipster into the same strange shit I like ( he was telling me randomly today, not to pasty ... he could have sent a joint email) and MGMT is coming this week to Miami and Phoenix the next week.. .I SURE HOPE this wasn't a friendly date invite cause .. um.. no.. I mean I could see myself having a good time cause I can have a good time with anyone ... i just Ugh That's what i mean, some guys don't make anything twitch, sometime nothing beyond the physical (Uh... i can certainly take THAT most of the time) , sometimes is the mind... all there but I could not go there (physically) if you paid me, sometimes there is just nothing there chemically
Anyways i've listening to lots of shit
Bacative- Tricky: This whole Knowle West Boy cd is awesome as fuck and he is bac to having song s with Martina and some hot female vocalists
Dark Road- Annie Lennox: I stan for this bitch, that's all everything about her, including that she looks her damned age
Daniel Lanois- Fire: Love this song, this guy's voice .. so sweet
7 comments:
i don't think you're weak at all, i mean granted you're gonna be sad: YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND...and something i want to get through to you is that you're not alone in this.
take all the time you need to mourn the loss, but honestly, i think you'll be better off. even Angelic/unbiased assed Gem agrees, and that's saying A LOT
I'm with KB, you're NOT weak.
You're still living, still looking hot, still breathing, still forging ahead with life, still making dishes I won't eat(lol), still making sure Spike is camera ready like his Momma, Q, you are a LOT stronger than you're giving yourself credit right now.
It fucking sucks that he couldn't step up to the plate for you and it sucks that you're hurting, but just take it one day at a time and don't forget to breathe.
We're here for you...
*hugs*
^^^What they said.
Accepting what you know you want/need out of a relationship and being able to walk away when you know you're not getting it, despite the fact that it hurts like HAYL. . . . that is the exact opposite of weak sis.
Beyond that, you're right. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better. So . . . *hug*
First and foremost here with a big ol hug, wish i was there to get naked and drunk with you and laugh at ourselves being naked... and drunk.
Then letting you rant and rave about OM (the good, bad and ugly) and never stop reminding you about the Uber fabness that is Q
I wont tell you, you'll be ok i wont tell you it gets better cause you have been through worse cases of phunk and know.
I will tell you that you need a time out and the moment you decide The Southern Continent is one you want to check out, holla at me if not I'll be on skype :)
Pleasantries, salutations, and ugh-eries.
You know how I feel about this. As long as you wanted to be "in" this thing knowing his way of operating, then I tried to be open to both sides. It just sucks not only for all the reasons you said but because it really shouldn't be this way. I know you don't like to toot your own horn, but TOOT THAT HO! OM has admitted out loud and even not out loud, just with actions that he hasn't had anyone like you in his life and vice versa. So why fuck this shit up? We all know that, and HE knows it which is why I really do believe he is going to pop up contacting you again; I hope not in an asshole way.
If I could hologram my ass to Flawda, I would. *Sisterwife hug*
Gem
kit von b.: not even mourning, mostly just like Bleeehhh Angry that he is so stupid and stuff, like i told you, a waste of time and energy
Tai: I trudge through shit, is just what I do...but... I'm not feeling good emotionally, but I also think is just the way things generally are these days more so than him
~diya~: Im very very very weak when it comes to him... is like if he comes correct.. I have a hard time dismissing or ignoring than.. hence my hoping it doesn't happen
Miss G: we would be the bitches Sitting drinking naked and shit....I'll be hitting you up as per usual
Gem: Bwahahaha your whole effing comment.. bwahaha
"Pleasantries, salutations, and ugh-eries"
"TOOT THAT HO!" *sigh* I so wish I had answers regards why has he been such a dumb when he could have had EVERYTHING his black little heart wanted from me... is that simple
...like i said .. I really hope he doesn't come back cause I just don't have a way to deal with that or a real reason why i would talk myself OUT of spending time with him if he was on his good behavior
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