FANFUCKINGTASTICAL

Is the word I'd use to describe my birthday Extra Long weekend

I'm just going to give you randoms here and there and get in depth into the main meat of the story as we go on:

That Dallas guy WON'T STOP CALLING TEXTING BEGGIN CALLING ME Quisque, begging me not to "be like this" that it was a suggestion and all this other dumb shit, that there is an attraction so we should act on it and all this bunch of horseshit... right, no

I've been drinking Whiskey and Coke since Tuesday night, with my fam, until 2 am and shit of the sort I'm a classy woman now so I've switched to Merlot, Provided by Mama (Grammy rules)

On Wednesday I took leave from my hot messes at home to go get the sex I was needing Via Weezy, the asshole actually went extra mile by having me enjoy a round one and two and they were extremely fabulous, and terrible at the same time: He will deny in a court of law that he did this but he straight whined like a bitch during 69 when I sort of messed with his butt (fair and balanced reporting, he did the same, I too whined like a weak betch the difference lies on the fact that I own up to liking butt sex ... which we went on to have), Oh and I go to see those pics from our whatever last time... ummm Fuck!

hot shit, Electric blue goes well with my Vagina!!

Anywhoosie big BIG Fatal Mistake of that blabber mouthed fool: Remember a few weeks back at the nude beach an old man invited me to the Fetish Factory bash??? and remember that I didn't go, what I didn't tell you is that that type of shit is extreme but right up my alley and guess, whose favorite asshole manned the door that day (Relief huh???)

Yep he did and he had the audacity of trying to Pseudo get me jealous with dumb talk about bitches kissing him at the door and some dude and his wife offering him money to fuck her and all of this (but remember, that butt licker has only shown good taste ONCE in his life: Me, I've seen of of the old ugly chubsters he entertains, as such is like whatever, cause what he calls hot is often way way off the mark or totally not attainable to him, like bitches in movies) mind you he thinks he is all big daddy telling me this shit when I'm thinking to myself "Um whatever don't let me show up there I'd one up you in under an hour BITCH" so he tells me how no cams or whatever are allowed, how is pretty impossible to check i.ds cause there was gas masks galore, and all this shit, he showed me the one pic he was allowed to take of a guy made up movie styles and some of the available pics of the party and well my friends....Mind you the whole time my eyes are dancing with extra interest and I tell him Over and over

That Shit Is Awesome as Fuck and sooo go hard or go fucking home

Yes at first I was pitching a fit cause this is how that cocksucker is always: inappropriate... always saying some shit don't nobody asked for, like, I play nice, I tell him what he wants to hear, I never tell him or rub his nose not on some hot make believe he saw at so and so's but the actual hot sex i get before and after we hang, i don't tell him cause his bullshit ass pride gets hurt and it's bad for business, so why does he gotta act a crass bitch and get on my bad side? I told my manita that he is lucky I don't have extra money laying around and am 10-20 pounds lighter cause I'd be THERE next time, No what Really got my wheels rearing to go, talking to a friend about going and picking out what I want to buy were the tales of debauchery (um people licking feet and eating ass in plain view? Using hitachi magic wands and carrying dildoes in their purses? People with their teeth filed to points and folks submitting for punishment etc?? YEEEEEAAAAAAHH BOOOYYY) and the EXTREMELY cool clothes and scene, and the Music

So I'ma use this as inspiration, let me make this all even out and be extra sexy and I'll be THERE come October 31st for their next huge bash... Please don't think I won't!.... All things being equal? YEP! and this is is what I want... don't tell me I don't need this
my Top choice

But you see why I'd need to get my ass in HIGH Gear??
YEEAHH Gym gym Gym

Anywhoo So I was all excited about that cause it really just kept on going on my mind, even after Weezy's peacemaking "O Bye second round" with his hot ass pulling my clothes off when i was leaving, tombout when I get back we'll have se twice a week (WTF am I supposed to do with that?) wrong level factor: High, for he spoke to his momma while I talked to his cack!, even told her I love you all breathless and such, after reciting all the food he bought her

Shameless!

The next day was weird since I relaxed watched unemployment tv and decided to solve the problem of Pearl imposing on my personal B-day holiday by telling her I would go to Orlando with my folks, and fact is: I didn't even feel bad about that shit, real talk! I went to the gym and put in an hour of elliptical work and had all these awesome calories burned and shit (also managed earlier to get a refund back by marching my crazy looking ass to the offices of this joint) when my aunt calls me: since Uncle white was heading out that night at 12:30 for a shipment and he'd miss our bdays and my mom friend (the whiskey provider) was leaving as well would I come right quick for the whole family to celebrate an impromptu birthday

Homie say what??

Fine whatever I tell her that I actually need to go home and shower (I also finally did do crap on my hair it looks marvelous honey the knots are out!) she claims No this will be quick just come in... but I'm a hot sweaty hot mess

Ended up we stayed up til 2 am, drinking, talking sex (even Mami got on that mess) they actually made me a cake too all for me, I got: Dominican Hair stuff from mami, Tia Sa, from Tia Lusy I got a nice candle installation that you can screw in the wall, I got wine from mama, I also got an album of pictures that mami made for me it was kind of sad cause out of 60 pics I must have 5 pictures I've smiled (she pulled more today and is about the same) I either never smiled as a kid or smirked or scowled, I have one GREAT pic tho

Mami also went ahead and got me 3 framed pictures, my niece and nephew, and my sis and me
The absolute best part of it all was: Collecting all these blessings by the end of the night
Everyone sent/ gave me beautiful cards, even Wall Street who is NOTORIOUS for not writing a damned thang in cards wrote me beautiful things, all my Uncles did, my aunts, Mia, Jojo, Karrie and Monster told me something was in the mail for me (WEEEE) my sister... I keep those and love that even Eva and Lua wrote to me in Spanish... the sweetest shit

And at 12:00 Shortie AKA Spaniard 1 (... he is short, I been calling him Shortie, bitches named Mia frown upon this, she contends that I best not pass a nice one up on my Heightcist tendencies so she don't have to visit me in the old Tall and Foolish Folks Home..I agree which is why i'm being nice, plus, he is super likable), Calls

WOOOT?? Yes yes he called and BTW let me tell you about Shortie: we like him, Manita Mia Loves him on a technicality, Karrie says I should give him a chance cause niceness trumps height and looks ( I too agree) and so does Leogoddess, see i'm not unreasonable, I find the height thing not HAWT but his body is SICK and he is about my height/shoulders below) but the convos we have and the chill giggly stuff we get into and the laid back attitude as well as the sweet shit is just nice, you dig? he tells me that I laugh like a Princess, who says some shit like that to this mean ass cackling hen, also Believe you me, he was telling me that he couldn't remember my body even though he MET me bucket ass naked, he said it was my conversation which was distracting him from the goodies, and he's been just teasing me about how I'm the cutest Amazon ever and I might as well wear my heels and give a fuck cause he certainly doesn't... Interesting, I think he had me on Cutest Amazon LOL

So anywhoo he asked me early morning to lunch/ movie and because it was Friday, My Bday, I woke up late but my family and I had celebrated so I went ahead and accepted going to an Italian joint, cute and little by my house as well as movie, I wore flats

*** Aside: I'm EXAHUSTED ya'll since Thursday I've not slept before 4 am***

The guys in that Italian joint were giving ample side eye and shit because Shortie and I didn't use our library voices and he looked sorta little boy cute and all, mami called to interrupt asking me to go over there to get the present from her and all this other mess, and so did my aunt to be official, papi, Pabul, everyone and their mommas and all my friends from back home hit me up in twitter/facebook/phone/ skype... I felt extra happy

Shortie was sort of sad that I was to leave early but I told him we WOULD stay for movie, at this point in time he pulls out this NICE card from under the table, I was fucking stunned to be honest, in there the card said: Only the best things for your birthday, cause you deserve the best.... Inside he wrote in Spanish:

Princess; I hope all your wishes come true this year, and that i'm around to see it all : )

Oh LAWD are you peoples' panties moist and in a bunch??? We went to the movies and later on at night we spoke again he wanted me to spend a day with him doing shit, go to the beach etc, he also showed me a picture of his big ass house in the butt end of Miami, really nice ... now things are kind of going on and on in my head, which is why I finally ask: How old are you?( only cause whilst he rags on me and looks about my age if not Younger and told me initially I'm a baby compared to you joke, now I guess, he is not into the dumb shit guys my age are and although not materialistic he seems to have his shit together enough to be inviting people on rips and for a programmer he seems...together), he answers:

40

Now, it is my panties that wave you goodbye!

The most Hilarious thing was that Shortie i.ms me late at night, just talking then he jumps in : I Think I'm a millimeter taller than you so i'm calling you......








.... SHORTIE

Bwahahahahahahhaahahhahahhaha are.you.fucking.kidding.my.ass?? I HAD to call Manita and tell her this we were practically in tears

The beach DID NOT go as planned: first of all this and Labor and Memorial days are times to avoid the beach

Big Cock cute tight surfer body from last time was there I had to be sort of dumby to avoid being all invitey of him (Duh! I'm waiting for Shortie)

Ugh!

Then Some stupid little cooningish kid comes in with a gaggle of dudes and says hi, after that in turns into his 15 year old sister coming to ask me loudly if I'll talk to him that he is 20 blah blah blah ( cringe) I said: Honey, I'm 29, I'm waiting for someone and that's ridiculous

She HOLLERS back at this motherfucker in the middle of the beach (this was actually amazing cause it kept most dudes away from me , at least all of those in the vicinity) :" OOOH Martin she shut yo ass down, she says no and shit!"

WOW

Big Dong giggled and shook his head and walked away

After that some other dumb dude at the beach came with the words that would turn any single girl solo outing into utter shit: Aye Aye What cho name iz


My reply: It doesn't matter I'm not coming here for any of this (the other two guys by the water did a double take but also left me be, even though they never stopped with the looks even after Shortie came)

After that some old dude came and asked if I was alone and I said no I was waiting for someone he STILL ASKED if I mind if he sat there with me, um YEAH I'd mind, are you high or that fucking dense??? BOOOOOOO but yeah that's why I avoid the beach on holidays, for all the looky loos and the asshole types that come to the beach Ugh!

Finally Shortie showed up and he was nice enough to bring me some lemonade and shit, Mind you, we are talking and laughing and speaking Spanish when some douche with gold teeth comes over pants sagging saying "hi".. I mean seriously?? I kind of love that Shortie asked if I was ok and kept his peace after I held his hand but not without giving the guy a look that meant "we are going to have issues" I fed him some frozen lemonade chunks to calm that ass down

We stayed in the beach til 6 he was giggling like a bitch all the while telling me You are Naked and I know you now!!, we talked about neither one of us is sure that kids are a go and the why and all that other stuff, I gave him a back rub and he said: OOOhhh I'm your Esposo now, he also told me he was totally bummed when he sat next to me (the day we met) and he went for a walk but couldn't find me afterward which led him to go in the water and that started the whole thing

he then licked some sand off my stomach and confirmed I was made out of chocolate (it was a dare but it was hot) then cause we BOTH had sand we decided to jump in the water before leaving for dinner ( we decided to go to my place instead, he wanted to meet spike ad his house wasn't clean) and I start explaining to him some stuff i was told about Man-o-wars vs inoffensive Jellyfish when the words have barely left my lips and I feel the most ungodly fucking pain I've ever had in my shitty little life


A FUCKING MAN O WAR Stung me It was amazingly uncanny and horrible, this was HORRIBLE I felt the pain before I could articulate it and I tried to tell Shortie what it was, I almost cried left the water in a rush, Before I got to the shore he realized that my arm was swollen and as I threw a dress on to run for some kind fo first aid....Now it felt like a chemical burn inside out of my body, welts and all things considered, It coulda been my twat, so Praise Beige Jesus (Hollah Gem!).... I didn't know if I was allergic to this or what the deal was we run to them stupid (but fine Cuban lifeguards) and get told they are off duty but I could go get some vinegar... super helpful pieces of shit

By now I'm being a hard bitch and not crying but it really hurt so incredibly bad, and it was swollen and Shortie was holding my bags and everything trying to console me telling me I could cry and just saying how bummed he was: Moment of levity by Shortie; I been holding my pee, maybe I can pee on you being careful not to pee in your mouth

I laughed in spite of my almost tears and told him to go stuff his R.Kelly watersports ass somewhere, after that I called my sister , she looked online and told me that it was in fact tpee or vinegar for my ass

We went to the North Miami Ale House and had something light, he asked for vinegar for me and the pain eased a bit as did the swelling

After that we went to my place, we popped open the Merlot and started drinking: keep in mind neither one of us are what you'd call drinkers, particularly not wine

I showered and put on a nice amply covered up set with boyshorts and we sat there laughing til we cried at the stand up comedy stuff in Comedy Central : it was a gigglefest American Hustle ( That shit about MJ that Katt Williams said? Oh Jeebus), Chris Rock, Dave Artell and Dane Cook (Who I Like in stand up, the way he clowns on chicks!?!)

Funniest joke of the night for some reason to both of us was this sarcastic little shit Sean Rouse saying that during his travels to hick places one dude said: Do you know what drugs is Son?

he goes (dry as fuck with his arthritic hand): Well No Sir I do not, But I know what Drugs ARE

You just had to fucking be there! but here is some of his


Funny shit, towards the end of Katt Williams stuff I am getting my feet rubbed and he tells me my skin is nuts how soft and pretty it is and that he is impressed that tomorrow i'd have hardly any color even thought I was superdark at the moment, Oh and Spike?? getting as much, if not more attention than me

Then he kissed me while we talked.. just a peck, supernice, ran his finger up and down the bridge of my nose just telling me how nice and straight it was and telling me about how his broke when he used to kickbox

He went to shower and I got in bed cause Wine cocks me out and the funnies: I hear his whispering to himself

What happens now, Joder!

I try to not giggle but i mumble what was that? he gets in bed and tells me that is weird that he likes me so much and bought that card and wants me to spend the weeked at his place but that he doesn't know how to go about actually, you know just making the move

Next thing you know my bold ass kisses him and BAM! On like Donkey kong children!, the most fanfuckingtabulous parts were

HE IS FUCKING HUGE

the kissing prevented me from being clearheaded

He is HUNG LIKE A HORSE

He is making all them yummy sounds we like

HE BITES! (as in I have a few bite marks in my leg and um, side of my stomach )

I Scratch

he knows what to do with boobs!

He found the back of the knees all by himself!

Woman on top was A-w-e-s-o-m-e (something about the way he made his body extra tight repossitioned my legs and went to town on that bitch!)

Homey is not squeamish ( Ilovesomuch men who kiss after you suck them stuuuuupid)

hair pulling

shoulder nibbling

and

HE IS MULTIORGASMIC like yours truly, mad props on his control, he says: Hostia Hija Mia that comes with age

Heh! he kept saying JOOOOOODEERRR this is AMAZING


Ahhhh fuck that was extra extra perfect, you know why?? cause is 3 am, we shower get to bed snuggle up and he very much whispers to me

Wow that felt like a cage match!

BWahhahahahhahahhaha.....and he is sorta, um, NOT dead yet, I politely point this out by grabbing him and he whispers, you wanna go again??

Fuck YeaH!!!!!

And do we ever! we slept, woke up at 8 he says something about letting him see my fishycat and more fuckery ensues, now my greedy ass cant walk properly and is a vaginal tear game proper for me

Whycome I love the idea of morning sex but it's like taking out the trash no one wants to do it (get on top , lol)


Oh and Shortie agreed that I might be taller than him by a sec but he still wants me to wear heels whenever I want and he asked me to spend a weekend there with Spike cause now he loves him and shit, a few hours ago he told me that he saw tickets to the Bahamas sort of cheap, I reminded him of my issue with the residency and he then asked well can we travel within he U.S?, anywhere but South Carolina or Arkansas?? LOL (I had to agree) SherBear is an ass, not just for sending me pictures of an old as dirt man getting his pedi done on rough nails but for saying that I need to give classes about wtf am i doing to dudes, she called it

Qucifer Academy of Exotic Excellence

Why do I have and LOVE these friends madly?


Depeche Mode- It's no Good: This song is sexy enough to qualify as my sexy stripper song of the day, get with it!